This morning.

When I woke up this morning, my eyes were sealed shut.
Sticky remnants of the night clung to my lashes, binding them together, making it painful to open.
They were swollen, aching and heavy.
And for a fleeting moment, I found you there.
Submerged beneath my pupils,
Floating somewhere between sight and memory.

I stood before the mirror.
My eyes reflected what I have been carrying for months.
Grief and relief existed side by side.
Relief because for a moment i could see you again.
And grief because I do not know when i ever will.
Perhaps my eyes released what my lips could never bring themselves to say.
Or perhaps this time,
I was too afraid to give these feelings a language. 
But i knew what this was.
The same realization that visited me long ago,
This time it returned without a warning. 

I knew you were still here,
Not merely in my thoughts,
Not merely in my imagination,
Not as a memory waiting to be forgotten. 

You remained inside me, like invisible particles moving through my bloodstream,
Like something essential,
Something quietly keeping me alive.

For the longest time,
I believed you existed only in my mind.
I thought one day i would wake up 
And discover that you had finally faded.

But the truth was far more stranger than forgetting 
You had become a part of me.
A hidden extension of my nervous system,
Responding before I could understand why.
And in that moment,
I realized that I loved you far more deeply 
Than I ever allowed myself to know.

Yet how can my heart feel this way
When someone else is already holding it?
He touches my hand, my face, my lips and fingertips.
He wraps his arms around me and tells me that he loves me.
And i believe him.
But you...
You are not something I carry in my hands.
You are the entire being I carry within myself. 

He holds my hands,
But often cannot tell why it trembles.
He sees me smile,
But he doesn't always know what sorrow stands behind it.
He has walked beside me for almost a year,
And he still struggles to understand 
Why my mood flicker like uncertain light, 
Why anxiety settles over me without warning.

That doesn't means he cares any less.
If I explain, he listens.
If I speak, he tries to understand. 
And eventually, he does.

But you...
How do you know even before I say a word?
How do you recognize my tension from miles away?
How do you know when happiness visits me?
How do you understand the changing weather of my body as though you are standing right beside me?
We barely meet.
We barely speak.
And yet somehow, you know..
How is that possible? 

Why do I feel this with you and not with him?
I look at him with love, with respect, with gratitude. 
But when i look at you...
Where do I go?
There is something behind your eyes
That feels like another world.

A place I cannot name,
A place I enter without moving,
A place that feels like home,
Where do you take me?
And how am i suppose to return there now?

I cannot..

I can only stand here,
With swollen eyes before a mirror,
Wondering how someone can live so far away 
And still exist beneath my skin.

.....❤️
























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